Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity is a set of self serving, judgemental behaviours. These destructive values and attitudes are dominant and aggressive and are fuelled by hatred of those whom the toxic male considers to be inferior. The major target is women who are seen as submissive, subservient, passive, and weak - these qualities are seen as traits to exploit. Women are objectified, used and discredited.

Toxic men like to surround themselves with caring, empathic people, but they only care about themselves, not anyone else. They believe there are winners and losers in life, and they must win through any means possible. Of course, some people are good at maths, others singing, some have excellent memories, some tell jokes well, however, to the toxic male, to consider a variety of skills is too complex, so they focus on one thing that is easily identified - money! Who has the most money is of intense interest, and they will get it by hook or by crook to prove they are best at everything, because money encompasses everything in their estimation. 

 What are these men good at? They are good at demeaning people, and making people feel inferior, demanding attention and admiration. This often includes gaslighting, and causing mental distress and illness of all kinds. Their sense of worth and ego are bound up with displays of gross financial wealth and an obsession with appearances. There is no importance attached to kindness, responsibility or accountability. Generosity, forgiveness, and compassion do not feature in their character. If they make a donation, it is usually in public, so they receive applause - and they always want something back - their favourite thought is how they can put in the least and get the most in return. 

They are intent on feathering their nest at the expense of others. Average men don’t confront the toxic control, superiority and ego strength of patriarchy which is hierarchical, all men know their place in the pecking order. There is no conscience, no reflection, no learning, and injustice can cause resentment, and it can lead to attacks, and attacks lead to reprisals! Toxic men are not afraid of others; intimidation is part of their emotional vocabulary. They think with a criminal mind that they think has the greater intelligence over that of caring people. 

Toxic males will flout all rules to assert themselves with lies, deceptions, and manipulations, and they often make threats if they don’t get their own way. They like high risk activities and anything that inflates their social status and gives them a sense of power. They have a strong sense of entitlement and no consideration for other people. Their conversation begins with “I” - as if you don’t exist! They like to be the centre of attention and get angry if they are ignored. Everything is about them and their self-importance. Other people are there to serve the toxic male who especially enjoys admiration from men - they are affected by other men’s opinions, but are very fearful of unconscious homosexual leanings. By holding strong beliefs about themselves in relation to others, the toxic male keeps homosexuality out of consciousness. The one thing that infuriates their ego is rejection. A typical comment from a toxic male is : “If I can’t have it, I will destroy it so no-one can have it”. 

Much of the behaviour of the toxic male is stereotypical, and when examined, these men can realise they are making faulty assumptions and have ruthless expectations about themselves and others. Education in empathy, kindness, and equality brings into consciousness other ways of being that are supportive of others, and are constructive, rather than destructive of relationships. They can change from a toxic, self serving male who is unable to love, into someone who is appreciated for who they are - rather than what they own. Being a calm, centred, thoughtful person who wants to heal the pain of others is a worthy life pursuit. Changing the future from destruction to protection is a valid life purpose. Instead of Gaslighting, they can have loving friendships. Life can be turned around from an abuser to enlightenment. People can be appreciated and recognised - not objects to be used or owned. They might win sometimes, but they don’t need to be an winner every time. 

Women can also suffer from toxic femininity. These are narcissistic women who display these toxic patriarchal behaviours. They know where their bread is buttered. They are jealous bullies who always want more, who experience daily ego slights, and who hate other women for petty reasons. Misogynists  can be women too! 

Article by Wendy Stokes https://wendystokes.co.uk