“Codependency No More” Book Extract

Codependency Patterns: Think they are responsible for other people, for other peoples feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, once, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt, when other people have a problem. Feel compelled to help a person solve a problem, such as giving unwanted advice, giving suggestions, or fixing feelings. Fear when the help isn’t effective. Anticipate other peoples needs. Wonder why others don’t do the same for them. Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don’t really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves. 

Not knowing what they want or need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important. Trying to please others instead of themselves. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustice done to others, rather than injustice has done to themselves. Feel safe when giving. Feel insecure and guilty  Feel safe when giving, feeling insecure and guilty when someone gives to them. Feel sad because they spend the whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them. 

Find themselves attracted to needy people. Find needy people are attracted to them. Feeling bored, empty, and worthless if they don’t have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help. Overcommit themselves. Feel harried, stressed and pressured. Believe deep inside that other people are responsible for them. Blame others for the codependency. Feel angry, victimised, unappreciated and used.  Find other people become impatient or angry with them. 

Patterns of Self Worth: Codependents come from troubled, oppressed, or dysfunctional families. They deny their family was repressed, or dysfunctional, and blame themselves for everything. They take the blame on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behalf. They get angry, defensive, self righteous, and indignant when others blame or criticise the codependence, something codependents regularly due to themselves. They reject compliments or praise. They get depressed from a lack of compliments. They feel different from the rest of the world. They think they are not quite good enough.

 They feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves. They fear rejection. They take things personally. They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism. They feel like victims. They tell themselves they can’t do anything right. They’re afraid of making mistakes. They wonder why they have a tough time making decisions. They expect themselves to do everything perfectly. They wonder why they can’t get anything done to their satisfaction. They have a lot of distress. They feel a lot of guilt. They feel ashamed of who they are. They think their lives aren’t worth living. They try to help other people live their lives instead. They receive feelings of self-worth from helping others. Get strong feelings of low self-worth, embarrassment, failure, from other peoples failures and problems. Wish good things would happen to them. Believe good things never will happen. Believe they don’t deserve happiness. They wish other people would like them and love them. They believe other people couldn’t possibly like or love them. They try to prove they’re good enough for other people - And they settle for being needed. 

From Codependency No More - how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself by Author Melody Beattie