Experiencing 2020!

As I reflect on 2020 from this place of quiet stillness and solitude, I look outside at the snowy roofs and calmness that is all around and I see that this has always been present, of course!

This year I have experienced some of the most unlikely adventures in what has been considered a pandemic or is a 'scamdemic'? Whichever it is, it has been a time of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I have tried things I have never attempted before, the first being managing a band and attempting to follow in my Dads footsteps only to realise those are his and not mine.

The beginning was spent mostly in London - a very unusual start to the year indeed. It also felt like life was moving at 150 miles an hour instead of a slow plod. Now I see why I had to fit so much into such a short window of time. I had great plans to travel with my work but instead I found myself consoling the woes of the world every morning and some evenings for over 150 days on various Facebook pages.

All was very well in my world, until my hormones decided to ramp up the messages to my brain and body and cause me an ongoing low depression. I have dug so deep this year within myself. I have continued to face the pain, the loneliness, the fear at times, the loss of the old world and everything I once knew. I have said goodbye to old lagging relationships and situation-ships. I have been stronger in my words, in my convictions, and in my actions. I have wallowed in pity and marvelled at the miracles set before me. I have worried myself silly and released all those worries to God. I have followed my heart, my bliss and my pleasure! I have spent precious time with family and loved ones. I have conducted relationships by messages with no other choice. I have let the boomerang boys go and the ex. I have learnt my NO and my YES. I have cried myself to sleep and of course I may do so again. I have felt pure waves of ecstasy coursing through my veins. I have managed not to give into the temptation of brandy (although I felt it call my name on more than one occasion, testing times - I'm not an alcoholic!)

I spent many a day lying on the grass in my garden in the spring/summer and autumn with my headphones on with idle fingers and relishing podcasts on sexuality, relationships and tantra. I experienced my first intimate tantra massage and released some old wounds. I faced some deep seated trauma and recognised my own traumatic patterns and behaviours. I delved into my shadow and accepted myself more deeply. I experienced going on dates, being ghosted and attempting Tinder. I saw the need in myself to be with someone. To recognise that its OK to desire a relationship, to fall in love. I am safe.

I have hugged myself tightly when nobody else has been around, I have consoled myself. I have felt my heart cracking open even more deeply and called on my twin for healing. I have learnt to love myself more, without shame and repercussions, but also to fill my own cup up first and to pay myself first. I began an exploration of what it means for me to show up every day for myself, sometimes in my pajamas. I have held space for others to cry, laugh, heal and vent. My garden has been a place of solace. I reconnected with old friends , made some new ones and somehow lost others in the process. I have explored what is really important to me. I began to give myself all of those things that I have needed for so long. I have started taking better care of myself; this is a work in progress. I learnt to ask for things to be different, instead of going along with things all the time my soul or inner child crying out to be heard or seen, sometimes both.

I have learnt to let go, to hold space for myself when my body burns with fire in the night. I have accepted the menopause which appears to have chosen 2020. I have gracefully and at times dramatically waded my way through the last seams of the peri-menopause.

I have embraced long journeys in the car to support my son and his career. I have accepted financial difficulties and laid to rest any notions of working things out. I realised that my mind will only come up with the same stories, so I have begun to see the limitations I have imposed on myself by believing the stories I come up with. 

I have ridden the waves of all kinds of emotions, feelings, sensations and I learnt to really practice even more what I teach and share this with others. I have sung, naked beached, smoothied, danced, partied, holidayed, communitied, kirtaned, zoomed, driven, walked, meditated, prayed, relationshiped, whattsapped, hugged, sexted, facetimed, tiktoked and orgasmed my way through 2020.

Article by Dhyan Ji Visit www.awakeninglove.co.uk

Dhyan sent Today at 2:09 PM

Dhyan Ji lived on Osho's commune in Oregon as a child and that is where she began to meditate. Dhyan is a spiritual leader and is here at this time to encourage and empower others on their spiritual journey. People can contact Dhyan at her Awakening Love Facebook page or by email at antarsukha@gmail.com